Looking for iain
Posted to %afda by pieceoftheuniverse on 26th January 2001
Exceedingly hoopy frood Alex has turned this into an Infocom-style text adventure!
You can download the z5 file here (you'll need an interpreter, check here or look for your system here). Alternatively, if you have Java you can play the game online.
[I'm starting to see some really great benefits from disappearing!]
> > Speaking of our Great And Mighty Webmaster, where has he been lately?
> > I've not seen hide nor hair of him since ... since ... well, it's been
> > a while, anyway.
> > --
> > pieceoftheuniverse - on an iain hunt, right after I finish this bit of fairy cake.
Roy Stark wrote:
> Hey ya i noticed that a few days ago... Iain? ...
> IIIIIIAAAAAIIIIIINNNNNN??????? humph, guess he's not here, perhaps he
> went to go check on the (oh god i know i'll get this wrong) blue maroon
> ginger spice tea? (i bet i left out the cinnamon)
and back to pieceoftheuniverse:
Okay, I've finished with the fairy cake, so now I suppose I should go out and hunt for him. I seem to be in a house, in a room with a computer in it. I have no tea.
> Look at computer
It's nothing all that special. It's running Windows '95, and some various other programs that I don't care about all that much.
> Look room
It's not a very big room. There seems to be exits to the north and west, as well as a window to the north.
> Look out window
There's a big yellow bulldozer parked outside. There is a man lying in front of it, talking to a strange -- and somewhat taller -- man holding a satchel.
I'm now outside. I see the man with the satchel and the man on the ground conversing with a man in a furry hat. They seem to come to some sort of agreement, and start heading off to the north.
I follow them until they enter a pub through a door in the east. It's called the Horse & Groom, and appears to be admirably disreputable. There is a dog barking at me.
I am carrying:
- a baked potato
- some oddities
- a porcelain vase
- a towel
- an electronic edition of the HHGG series
- a moldy piece of bread
- a small piece of the universe
- no tea
> Give dog moldy piece of bread
The dog eats the bread and promptly dies. A small microscopic fleet flies past, but I am oblivious to it.
There seems to be some kind of commotion inside the pub. The man who was lying in front of the bulldozers rushes out, followed closely by the man with the satchel.
> Hit man with satchel
He goes down quite readily, utterly surprised.
> Get satchel
It's not mine.
> Steal satchel
The satchel is now mine. There is a loud noise coming from above.
> Open satchel
Underneath some otherwise useless paper, the satchel contains some bits and baubles of technology I don't quite understand. There is another towel in here, some peanuts, and a device marked "Press Here."
> Press here
There is nothing on the ground near where I am.
It's really getting quite unbearably loud.
> Get device
I already have it. It's in the satchel, remember?
Some voice, via a loudspeaker, is making some platitudes regarding the loud noise.
> Press button on device
I don't see any obvious button, but I press the device in general and am pleased to experience the curious sensation of a transporter for the very first time. Then, common sense smacks me upside the head, and I begin to feel violently ill. I black out before transport is complete.
I've gone blind. Don't worry, it's probably only temporary.
I can't move, much less feel anything.
My sense of smell has decided to take a holiday. Considering where I probably am, this could be a good thing.
That's just sick.
I hear the hum of some very strange-sounding engines.
As I concentrate, I begin to make out vague shapes. I'm not so much blind as in a very dark room, with the floor vibrating slightly beneath me. It smells very bad in here. I feel weak.
> Eat peanuts
Ah. That's better.
> Turn on light
After much fumbling and wishing I had thought to bring matches, I find the light switch. I'm in a room with a lot of mattresses, with a Babel Fish Dispenser in the corner. There is a door set in the west wall.
Probably not a good idea. I'm only here courtesy of the Dentrassi, remember.
> Look at Babel Fish Dispenser
It's a curious device. It seems to be a sort of vending machine, but there's no place to deposit any form of currency. There is a single button, and a slot near the bottom.
> Press button on Dispenser
A vaguely fish-shaped object shoots out of the slot, slides along the floor, and slips into a previously-unnoticed vent.
> Stand in front of slot
Okay. Now what?
The fish shoots out and hits me square in the knees. It flops around on the floor for a bit, and a robot comes out of a side panel. I think he wants my fish.
> Get fish
With no fish to capture, the robot returns to his hiding place.
There is a loud gargling noise coming from the speakers in the room. I wish that would stop.
> Place fish in ear
Eeeeeww! It feels horrid!
Oh. The gargling noise makes sense now. The Captain wants me off the ship, and has sent search parties out looking for me. Isn't it nice to be wanted?
There's really no place to run. I don't know the ship as well as the Vogons do.
There is a loud clomping sound heading in this general direction.
I don't think that would help.
Two Vogons come through the door and grab me. For some reason they allow me to keep all of my possessions, and take me to see the Captain. He says he's in a good mood today, so instead of killing me outright he's going to read me some poetry.
That may very well be a good idea at this stage. However, not just yet.
Oh, dear. The Captain has begun reciting one of his works. The words go through me like lances, and I'm fairly certain someone has snuck up and started drilling needles through my brain.
If you insist.
"...thy micturations are to me | As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee."
This is they type of thing he's subjecting me to. Do you really want to hear more of this tripe?
"Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes."
It's like he's trying to make it as bad as possible. And the pain is indescribable.
You're a sadist, you know that?
"And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles, | Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon, see if I don't!"
Ah, good. He seems to have finished.
Curious. Now he's asking what I thought of it.
Oh, very well.
I just told him I thought the imagery was quite invocative of various problems rent in the whole of space-time, and that he would touch the inner Vogonity of any who would care to listen to his words.
He didn't take it well. I think I used too many big words.
He's summoned a guard to throw me out the nearest airlock. He's a big one too, at least three times the size of the two that picked me up earlier.
> Talk to Vogon
Who, the Captain or the guard?
> The Captain
I manage to mutter some curses in the Captain's general direction before the guard carries me off by the neck.
Hmm. Breathing seems to be a problem.
That's a little better. Now he's only half-throttling me.
> Talk to Vogon
He doesn't seem to want to enter into conversation. He keeps saying that resistance is useless, and continues to drag me along the corridor.
> Talk to Vogon
He doesn't want to open up to me. I guess it would help if I was from Belteguese -- they're rumoured to have the best sort of conversationalists there.
Now he's thrown me in the airlock and closed the door.
Not just yet.
> Look airlock
It's pretty much a big metal room. There's a darkened panel next to the door I was just thrown out of, and a timer on the door across from it.
> Read timer
About ten seconds left on the clock.
> Open panel
After a little bit of struggling, I manage to get it open. Wires dangle everywhere.
> Use wires with baked potato
Ingenious idea! The juice in the potato activates the panel. Now, if only I could understand how the panel worked, I'd be able to get out of here.
Oh. The door has just opened. And I'm not talking about the one I wanted to open, either.
I am now in space.
I have three minutes of air left. I'm not going to panic just yet.
I have two minutes of air left. My lungs feel as if they're on fire, and the smaller capillaries near my skin have just broken. I seem to be far enough away from the sun not to get burned, but I'm unquestionably warm.
I'm not going to panic just yet, though.
I have one minute of air left. I'm tempted to let it out and see if I pinwheel in space for all eternity, but the blood vessels in my eyes have just popped, so that's pretty much out. It's strange how silent space is. I'm kinda getting used to the occasional twinge of pain as blood emerges from my body and immediately freezes into place, but I wish it would end soon.
I have two seconds of air left. I'm still floating in --
I have been plucked from space at a terribly high improbability rate. To my right there is a duck in loafers sitting by the beach, and an infinite amount of monkeys on typewriters in the distance. Over to my left someone has just come out of a movie theatre proclaiming the showing of the blockbuster Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and somewhere nearby a hundred thousand million eggs just deposited on a planet where almost everyone has died of a plague just two minutes before.
I appear to be in perfect health.
There is a door to my right. It is wobbling, but it is still a door.
I go through the door, and I'm now on some sort of ship. There's a brochure on the floor, and a long corridor stretching into the distance. I hear what seems to be a set of Slinkys (tm) coming my way.
> Pick up brochure
It's just a bunch of advertisements to impress your friends once you've purchased a multi-million-dollar spacecraft for a participating government. All flash, no stash.
A robot comes through the nearest door and asks me to follow him.
> Follow robot
He's terribly morose, and not much of a conversationalist. Strangely, he seemed to have been expecting someone else. He leads me through several somewhat annoying doors. More apparently loom on the horizon
> Ask robot about ship
He says it's a stolen ship, named the G.S.S. Heart of Gold.
> Ask robot about thief
The robot says the ship was stolen by none other than iain!
All I manage to come up with at this point is "Well, well, well ... iain." Not terribly intelligent, but there it is.
I have been shown to the bridge.
It's kinda showy, and generally in bad taste all around. Still, someone must have liked it. There are exits behind me, to port, and to starboard. There's a multi-faceted viewscreen forward, and chairs and consoles kind of scattered about.
Iain is here
> Talk to iain
He seems surprised to see me. He didn't think anyone else could get into this particular subdivision of reality.
> Beg iain to come back
He says he'll consider it.
He asks me where Arthur and Ford are.
I think he'd be able to tell.
> Tell the truth
He appears a little upset, but then realizes that this means he can go through the whole "steal the ship" routine again, and that cheers him up.
He asks if I've managed to find any tea.
> Show iain no tea
He seems a bit upset at that. It appears the Nutrimatic machines have lived up to their reputations.
> Give iain electronic edition of the HHGG series
He seems quite pleased with it. He says that he might come back even sooner now that I've been so nice to him.
> Tell iain the froup misses him
He says he's very sorry, and that he'll be back soon.
> Apologize to iain for the intrusion
He appreciates the gesture, but no apology is necessary. I'd best be moving, though, as he's about to restart the whole adventure so he can meet Ford and Arthur.
> Use small piece of the universe
The piece absorbs me, and I return to reality.
There is blue maroon cinnamon ginger spice tea here.
> Get tea
You now have tea!
> Toss tea into piece of the universe
You hear it land on the other side. You also hear iain cry with joy just before the piece closes for good.
You have 8494 points out of a possible 9000. Share and Enjoy!
pieceoftheuniverse - well, that was fun.