LSPNs

LSPNs
From: pieceoftheuniverse
Date: 25 September 2000
Martin Hooper wrote:
> Can someone enlighten me as to what LSPN's are...?

Low-Scent Pine Numerals.

It's a very old invention, dating back to the days of yore, when computers were just barely created. Way back then, the hulking machines wouldn't get started unless they received a good buffing with a pine-scented dust rag. Of course, since the original computers were so huge, it would take a good day or so to dust them properly, and thus an entire twenty-four hours would be lost just getting the blasted thing ready.

So someone came up with a brilliant idea: why not just make the numbers that the computer would process out of pine-scented anti-dust materials? And then the computers could be run day and night, and happy were the businesses that had them.

Of course, the pine scent had to be just right. Too high, and the machine would go into overdrive and burn up. Too low, and the dust would accumulate and freeze up the machine. Thus the Low-Scent, which was just high enough to repel the dust but low enough to keep the machine running at peak efficiency.

LSPN's are very rare, and have to be made special from certain companies that deal in nostalgic material (modern computers have built-in LSPN's that can't be removed for obvious reasons). Thus why we have one froup member who specializes in shipping them out around the world to those who want them.
From: Caleb Huitt
Date: 6 October 2000
Phoenix wrote:
> OK, perhaps I'm an idiot. I've seen LSPN in some other posts on this
> newsfroup, but don't know what it stands for. What's LSPN?

No, I don't think you're quite an idiot^* - but I'll do my best to get you there!

LSPNs are Low Sustenance Poodle Noodles. (Try saying those last two words quickly a few times, and you'll see why everyone uses the acronym.) Now, on the surface of it, you might think that people are making noodles out of poodles. This is patently false. In reality, people are making noodles out of other people, to be fed to poodles. These noodles have almost no nutricianal value, so they are labelled as low sustenance. This being opposed to the HSPN, which are incredibly good for your poodle, but the poodles refuse to eat them. In this, they're not much different than their food, because many people I know refuse to eat what is good for them to have, also.

Anyway, the whole idea of making people into noodles is fairly controversial, and can only be done in the hidden center at - whoops, I almost let that slip. But, suffice to say that one of our froupies here is a distributor of them, and many people in the froup have requested some for their poodles, or their neighbor's poodles, or their mother's poodles, or what-have-you. A few people, to my knowledge, have tried eating LSPNs, and claim they taste rather green. I don't know what a color tastes like, but if you ever want to find out what green tastes like, I suggest you get ahold of an LSPN and taste it.

Now, for some reason the poodles just love these LSPNs, and it has become a common practice for families that own poodles to take an LSPN with them to reward their poodle for standing still and getting their hair cut in those rediculous ways. After all, without the reward of an LSPN - for which, it might be noted, they'll do almost anything - they would never be caught in public in such an absurd hairdo. They'd rather be buried up to their snout, and can you blame them? But biochemically, it seems that LSPNs actually inhibit their reactions to any outside stimuli, and endow them with a feeling of bliss for anywhere from 3-4 hours. Individual times may vary.

I hope this helps.

The real thing - a Lemon Soaked Paper Napkin, or Moist Towelette.
LA has a large supply of these, and will mail them to people on request, but you'll have to be prepared for a long wait ;o)

* Maybe less-than-informed, though. Nothing a good look through this site wouldn't cure.