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pieces of the universe

The Quantifier Drive!
Posted to %afda by pieceoftheuniverse on 13 November 2000

Fraser Stewart wrote:

> >Which is better? Blue M'n'Ms or Red M'n'Ms?

Amro Bank replied:

> Uhm, ...are we talking packages here? I mean, the color of the
> wrapping/bag/whatever or the actual M&M's themselves?
> If so;
> Yellow

That's very interesting. You managed to ask for a quantifier and then, before anything was defined, went ahead and made a decision. This could bode very badly, I'm afraid. Or profitably, if we play it right...

Yes! Introducing, from Piece, INC: The Quantifier Drive!

Far better than all that mucking about in hyperspace! Less frustrating than all the math you have to pour through with the Improbability factors! Eliminate the daily stress you go through trying to adjust the Bistromath!

The Quantifier Drive is the newest and most advance technology yet available from the top-secret labs of Piece, INC., and is the top choice for engine upgrades across the galactic sector!1

Want to go from here to there in the blink of an eye? Not a problem! Simply tell the computer you want to go "there" without properly defining where "there" is, and before you know it you'll be occupying every point from here to there SIMULTANEOUSLY! No need to actually go into outer space at all!2 Save millions on retrofitting airlocks!3 Forget all that bother about atmospheric pressurization!4

Why buy a Quantifier Drive? Ask our satisfied customers!5 6

Divono Resnay from Zomple Plains, Farnoble, Northern Rim:
"The greatest invention ever! Saves me light-years on the odometer!"

Juju Ufinzo from Yakaka Vupar, Talanka, Southern Tip:
"Works wonders! Great for trade routes!"

Vinoca Vasper VII, Dimension MMIII:
"How the hell did I get here?"


But that's NOT ALL!

Go down to your local propulsion engineer TODAY and place an order for the NEW Quantifier Drive, and we'll throw in a menial droid from Sirius Cybernetics FOR ONLY SEVEN THOUSAND ALTARIAN CREDITS!!7

Want more? We've got more! AND SEVERAL MORE FEATURES!!10

Place an order TODAY!


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1) Not available in all sectors. No need to apply if you are in the Western Spiral Arm.

2) Technically, you would be in outer space if you occupy every point from "here" to "there" simultaneously, but you'll have so much on your mind being in several places at once that you won't really notice that you've run out of air -- or, in extreme circumstances, died -- until you get "there."

3) Applies to stresses inherent with docking with other ships in mid-flight only. Airlocks may still be needed if you "land," or wish to exit and enter at will.

4) Assuming, of course, that you don't mind the occasional strong breeze.

5) Several of these customers had to be contacted using a medium, a Ms. Toolunka Vorkunsnip. There are no guarantees that she was actually contacting who we say she was, but then no one who actually knows for sure bothered to correct us.

6) A deceased Babelfish was used in translation, due to budget cuts. Exact wording may vary.

7) Per day for two galactic cycles. Pending credit check, Galacticard Credit Cards only. Not guaranteed. While supplies last. Menial robots from Sirius Cybernetics have a disturbingly happy Artificial Genuine People Personality that may grate on the most annoyingly upbeat nerves. Price shown is twelve times actual value, and three times actual market price.

8) Only for use in order to maintain orbit, and the occasional intrastellar travel. Warning: Do not engage photon drive while Quantifier Drive is active. Ship must be spaceworthy for full functionality.

9) Due to several complaints from various lawmakers and the surviving enforcement authorities, these weapons will no longer be able to be charged for the life of the ship. Coupons are available in apology to any family members who may have lost loved ones due to a breach of the perimeter.

10) Features are undocumented at this time. Sub-etha Help Desk number is currently unavailable. Manual consists of one (1) page, single-sided, declaring how nice it must be for you since you own a Quantifier-powered vessel.