Posted to %afda on 25 and 26 August 2000
This is a conversation between Caleb and Nikitta, full of useless^H^H^H^Hful tips for all those people who have trouble getting up in a morning.
> What *do* you non-coffee people do to wake up in the morning???
Well, I thought I was telling you what some people do, which is to drink other things. Now, I myself don't drink coffee, and to wake up in the morning, I generally recommend teh following procedure:
Start teh night before. Well, ok, technically it's teh morning of, but really early yet, and you haven't slept yet either, so it still counts as night. What you do, is get an alarm clock. Not one of those nifty ones that plays a radio station - that won't do it. What you need is one with a buzzer. Not one of teh buzzer ones that starts off low and builds up, either. I mean a loud buzzing alarm clock. Set it for approximately 1 hour, give or take, before you will need to really be awake. Be sure you turn teh volume up as high as it will go. That is important. Also, make sure you turn on teh alarm. That is also important. Now, look at the alarm clock. Look at your bed. They are close together, aren't they? Well? Be honest, now. You know that when teh alarm goes off later this morning, you will just hit teh snooze, or maybe even the reset, and go back to sleep. This won't do. Move teh bed (or the alarm clock, I suppose) across teh room. As far away as you can get it. There you go. Now, if you moved your alarm clock, you must set it agiain, set the alarm agiain, and make sure it is on agiain. See why I recommended moving your bed? If you are setting teh time of your alarm clock, be sure to set it about 15 minutes ahead, also. This will help in teh morning, too - especially if you are currently too tired to remember doing so later on. (Another good reason to have moved your bed instead of your alarm clock.) Ok, now you are almost set. Be sure that teh floor is strewn with dark objects that have sharp corners and points and parts to them. Especially make sure that there is no easy path between your bed and your alarm clock. (Lego works wonderfully for this part. Just take a contiainer and dump it along teh shortest path from your bed to your alarm clock.) Now, and this is also important, make sure that the curtiains are drawn, the door is shut, and there are no places for light to come into your room. Finally, you are ready to get up in the morning. Phew! That was a lot of work. Take a load off. Rest a bit. Plan on falling asleep sometime.
My alarmclock is by batteries and goes beepbeepbeepbeep beepbeepbeepbeep ... etc... untill I turn it off - it has no snooze button and normally I place it at my table, by the coffee-maschine, which would've been prepared so all I had to do was pushing the little button which turns it on - fall over by the table and be so happy when the coffe is done that I sit up to drink it - or I'd go back to bed and fall asleep. Setting my alarmclock 15 min. ahead won't work because I know that it's 15 minutes ahead and no-matter what the time is I will just think "oh - it's not that bad - it's 15 min. ahead" and I will have to catch the train or be very,very late...
Ok, now it is time to wake up. Your alarm clock suddenly starts an incredibly annoying buzzing, which pops you out of your dream, and most of teh way out of your bed. You swing your arm wildly at teh snooze button, not hitting anything, because you just remembered you moved the alarm clock (admit it - you didn't actually move your bed, did you?) across teh room. The momentum from your swing partially pulls you from teh bed, and the annoying alarm interrupting your nice sleep causes you to get up and walk towards your alarm clock. Rapidly, most of teh time. However, Lego bricks. That's right, go ahead and step on a few on your way. Hit teh alarm clock, and on your third try or so, actually manage to hit the snooze button. Make your way back to your bed, and fall asleep again. Repeat once or twice.
Now, when you hit your alarm clock, consciousness has returned enough for you to look at teh time - YOU'RE LATE!! You run across teh room towards teh bathroom for a shower - at least, you run for one step, because those Lego bricks are still there. Thinking that you'd curse if only your mouth was awake, you continue to hobble your way to teh bathroom. You turn on teh light, which nearly blinds you. Now, for guys, this is teh ideal time to shave - don't worry, a little blood lost will actually make you more alert. Trust me. Anyway, once certain other morning activities are taken care of (you remembered to put teh seat down, right?), turn on teh shower, and enter it, standing there letting water run off of you for about 1/2 hour. By now, some consciousness has finally crept its way up from wherever it was hibernating. Welcome it, and start to wash yourself however you see fit.
I have no Lego, but I do have two cats - do they qualify???
They might. All you need to do is get them to sleep on you, and send some wires from your alarm clock and attach them to your cats. When the alarm clock goes off, then, so will teh cats, and I'm sure that would wake you up. The cats might only do this once or twice, though, so use only as a last resort.
Once you are done with your shower, and dried off, you should be mostly awake. Brush your teeth. (A very important step.) Be sure to use a nice, minty toothpaste. Done yet? No? I'll wait. (*whistles*) Ok, ready now? Good. Go into the kitchen (or wherever you might find teh following items) and pour yourself a nice glass of orange juice. Drink slowly, savoring teh contrast between teh juice and your toothpaste. Now, eat something. Either find something incredibly sweet, or something nice and sour, like a grapefruit. Once this is done, go for a drive. If you have to go to work, great! Weave in and out of traffic like teh morons everyone compliains about. Don't - I repeat, don't - use your mirrors. By teh time you get to wherever you were headed, the adreneline from several near escapes will have kicked in, and you should be doing pretty well.
And in last straits, find something scalding hot (like hot cocoa or hot tea) and burn your tongue on it. Then move your burnt taste buds along teh top of your mouth. Teh slight pain along with teh interesting sensation it provides should keep you awake for a bit, also.
Or get an annoying relative to phone you and ask you all kinds of odd questions.
From here on out, it's up to you. However, this should provide a good bit of alertness to propel you through most of teh morning to follow.