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Various Froupiness

You TooTM Can Maintain A Web Page
Posted to %afda by Caleb on 3rd December 2000

Nikitta wrote:
> >
> >I most certainly cannot have a Web Page!

Till Westermayer wrote:
> You can. The other question is the question, if
> "You Too Can Maintain A Web Page".

That part, sirrah, is entirely too simple to make a post out of. Almost.

You TooTM Can M[i]aint[i]ain A Web Page!

It's really quite simple. All it takes is 1) a web page, and 2) an under construction graphic. Now, what you do is put the under construction graphic up near the top of the web page. Really - go ahead. "But wait!" you cry. "Isn't that a lie, since I'm not constructing it anymore?" "Aha!" I respond. "It would normally be so. But you see, the web operates under a completely different standard for truthhood and lies than the real world."

To elaborate, if you truly had good intentions in saying something on the web, or even wish it were true, then in effect it becomes true, and people will believe it.

So, put that graphic up there. Good for you! Now, and this is an important part, do not put up a "last modified" date. This will only serve to confuse and annoy people, because they will be able to look at your page and know right away that it hasn't changed. Instead, leave that part out, so that people will have to look over your whole web page, and due to faulty memories, they'll think that you've actually changed a couple of things.

Finally, once every half-year to decade, actually change something on the web page. It really doesn't matter what, or how important it is. However, once you've done so, be sure to let everybody know about it. Phrase it something like "as one of the neverending updates I make to my page, I corrected a multitude of spelling and grammer mistakes." If someone really presses you for details, you can always just tell them that all you remember was changing a "teh" to a "the", but you also made some other changes. They are just hard to see, since they blend in so well.

Now, from the hype that these rare events generate, plus the constant references to having been working on the pages a lot, people will assume that you maintain a web page. And so, by web logic, you do. Simple as that.

Caleb - thinking of starting a series with this concept.

Posted to %afda by pieceoftheuniverse on 4th December 2000

Caleb Huitt wrote:
> You Too(tm) Can M[i]aint[i]ain A Web Page!
> It's really quite simple. All it takes is 1) a web page, and 2) an
> under construction graphic.

<snip the rest of the explanatiain>

Much as I adore this ongoing series, I must protest for the sake of all surfers everywhere: we hate (and I use this word only occasionally just so that it has the particular sting of someone who truly despises something) hate hate HATE any and all "under construction" graphics.

All web pages are under construction; that's practically part & parcel of the whole idea of having a web page to begin with. In fact, some ISPs will kill all DNS locators of your page completely if you don't bother to go there and fiddle with the odd bit of text or two. So, let's take out the under construction graphic completely.

One of the great advents of our time, however, is the cgi-bin directory. Most ISPs have one, and will be all too happy to allow you to "borrow" a few lines of cgi code so that you can update your site without actually having to log on. One of the most common updates to a site is the "Updated on <DATE>," which assumingly has the date that the page was last touched by the webmaster.

This by no means has to be the case.

The cgi could, instead, simply take whatever date the visitor's computer believes it to be and then display that on the page. Thus, when the surfer glides into view, they see the date and think to themselves, "Oh. Everything's up-to-date. How nice," and then proceed to poke around a bit for the new stuff. By no means specify what is new, as that will only reveal that you haven't so much as looked at your site in three years and counting. Just hint that things have been updated. To queries you can just respond, "If you can't tell, why should I specify?" therefore making it appear as if you've made things better without actually showing what you've done -- which is, for those of you who might be a bit slow, nothing.

Occasionally you may begin to feel a bit guilty about all this stuff you want to put up on the site but haven't gotten around to for the past half-decade or so for whatever reason. Ignore the feeling and distract yourself with some bright shiny things for a bit.

Eventually, though, you will have to take a look at your own site just to make sure the links still work. When you connect, you will no doubt recoil in horror at the travesty that your site has become: it looks years out of date! This is, of course, understandable, seeing as how it hasn't really seen the light of day for close to six years now (but, surprisingly, has registered hits in the hundreds of thousands per day). Now might be a good time to update.

But all those ideas you had were just that, and nothing has actually been committed to HTML. Well, time to get to work! Hole yourself up into a corner for the next month and pound away at that keyboard! Render those graphics! Postulate, archive, and eventually ftp!

There. Now everything is wonderfully up-to-date from your up-all-month cram session, and no one is the wiser. Set up that cgi-bin to alter your date every day, and you can leave it alone for -another- six years or so.

> --
> Caleb - thinking of starting a series with this concept.

pieceoftheuniverse - Not a bad idea. "The Web For The Inherently Lazy" might be a good title.

Have you seen the original, You TooTM Can Have A Web Page?


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