Posted to %afda way back in September 1998,
when Douglas Adams was still around in the froup
to point out that the real script hadn't (and still hasn't) been written
Presented with all the original spelling, grammar and other errors still intact :o)
From: Andrew Flatt
Subject: HHGTTG MOVIE SCRIPT
Date: Sat, 12 Sep 1998 20:04:07 +0100
I am reliablly informed that this is part of the first draft script for the movie.
HITCHIKERS GUIDE TO THE GALAXY
EXT. REALLY BIG SPACEThe cold blackness of space, billions of stars come into focus The view spins and finally pans to a drinks can spinning freely. On the side of the can is written 'Pan Galatic Gargle blaster'. Suddenly a huge bulk smashes the can out of view. The side of an enormous Vl'hurg spaceship moves across the screen.
The shot becomes wider giving a clear view of the shape of the ship. It is a organic shaped battlecruiser glimering translucent green.
We pull out revealing Another Vl'hurg ship followed by several more finally revealing ships reaching beyond the field of vision. Millions of ships are moving purposefully towards their goal.
The view rotates to see their destination. In the distance a G'Gugvuntt battle fleet draws towards them. We pass through the Vl'Hurg fleet. In between the two fleets lies a small Space station. Lights and flags adorn the outside.
The G'Gugvuntt flagship arrives. A complicated docking assembly unfolds and links to the station. The Vl'Hurg ship arrives and docks.
INT. SPACE STATIONThe interior of the space station is sparse. Two doors ethers side of the room lead to air locks. A circular table sits in the middle of the room. The atmosphere is split in two by a force field with one side cool and clear the other hot and humid.
The doors open and from each side a VL'hurg and G'Gugvuntt Presidential party arrives surrounded by a number of guards. They approach the table and sit down facing each other, years of hatred and anger present on their faces. They speak. Their natural tongue sounds vaguely familiar but still strange and alien. Subtitles translate for us.
Cat stevens Takes a well earned break from his Filth mongering lifestyle
(I am glad that we can take this last opportunity to avoid interglatic war)
Cheese brings out the best in me, but does give me a foul breath.
(This is a momentous day. The reason behind our hatred for each other, has been lost in history)
I met a ginsoaked baroom queen in Memphis, She tried to take me for a ride
(Then can we announce a statement to the galaxy to declare our commitment to peace)
A dangerous silence. A moment of doubt could begin a war of devastating consequences. Suddenly a wormhole opens in the fabric of space. A devastating voice echoes through the chamber.
(What did you just say?)
I said you bureaucratic little minion, Good god I could do with a cup of tea
(Forget peace, you son of a VL'hurgen woman who has sex for money, WAR!!)
The VL'hurgan President reacts to this attack on his mothers good name the only way he can
Good God, I could do with a cup of tea
Both groups storm out of the space station to their respective ships
INT VL'HURG FLAGSHIP. BRIDGEThe bridge is cluttered with people staring at screens and readouts. Targets are centred on The G'Gugvuntt ships. The President walks in
Shake it, wake anyway you want it
(What is the word President)
INT G'GUGVUNTT FLAGSHIP. BRIDGEClose up on
EXT REALLY BIG SPACEThe flagships fires on the each other closely followed by the rest of the fleets. A million lasers and rockets fly across the screen. The ensuing war will last for centuries
EXT. SPACEInto the void a hundred thousand hunks of metal, twisted and burning. A combined fleet of battered starships from both sides wait patiently.
INT. G'GUGVUNTT AND VL'HURG SCIENCE SHIPThe war is over, and the two races are now at peace. A scientist is making an announcement to an assembly of G'Gugvuntt and VL'Hurg officials.
Play it again Sam
(For millennia we have fought a pointless war..)
Happy birthday Mr President
(on the basis of a misunderstood sentence.)
Dog day afternoon..
(We have not located the source of the signal..)
Fuel injection Manifold
(and this means)
Good god I could do with a cup of tea
As he speaks a holographic representation of the fleet begins to fill the room. It zooms out to reveal the galaxy. A red line moves across the galaxy to a point on the western spiral arm. We zoom in, revealing our solar system then-- in closer-- passing Jupiter and Mars to finally earth. A Target settles on Earth, specifically on the south western region of the United Kingdom.
EXT. SPACEMusic kicks in. Behind a Spaceship, A dead VL'Hurgen Trooper wearing a spacesuit is floating in space. An inane grin can be seen on his face through his visor which is surprising considering the hole blown clean through his stomach. Panning down to his hand we can see the reason why. Clutched in his hand is a electronic book. As we get closer to the screen we can make out the flashing words
'DON'T PANIC!!!'.An engine begins to roar, the Trooper burns up and the words on the book change to 'HITCHIKERS GUIDE TO THE GALAXY' The ships Accelerate quickly to lightspeed. Endless flight through space.
It is well known that careless talk cost lives, but the full scale of the problem is not always fully appreciated . The war between the Vl'Hurg's and the G'Gugnvuntts lasted for centuries, and was started and fuelled by a simple misunderstanding of a sentence. Spoken, harmlessly, in another part of the galaxy. A freak wormhole opened and unfortunatly for the G'Gugunvutt and Vl'Hurg people the words were the catalyst that would start the war. After centuries of devestation the terrible mistake was realised and the source of the offending senctance found.
The now combined fleet made their way across the endless wastes of space with hatred and destruction foremost on their minds.
EXT. EARTH ORBITThe joint fleet pulls out of lightspeed straight into earth orbit. Missiles and lasers on the side move and rotate, reading themselves for firing
The time had come for their revenge the exact point in time and space had been located.
INT. FLAGSHIPA screen shows the earth and the target. It zooms in to the United Kingdom. And further to the south West. And further to a small village. And still further to a Cottage on the outskirts of the village.
EXT. EARTH ORBIT/CLOUDSThe entire fleet fly screaming through the atmosphere, past the clouds and aim towards their target. In the distance, on a slight rise sits a house. All the fleets weapons lock on--
INT. FLAGSHIPG'Gugvnutt President
EXT. ARTHUR'S HOUSEA small, pretty cottage on the end of a small country lane set out on it's own. A large Bulldozer is bearing down on the house.
Unfortunately, due to a terrible miscalculation of scale their vengeance was never to be realised.
They let loose a devastating range of firepower
And a millisecond before impact--
A small dog swallows the entire fleet. And then begins to bark
Don't Panic. This sort of thing happens all the time, we're just powerless to prevent it. As they say 'It's just life'.
INT. ARTHURS HOUSEArthur Dent is woken up by a dog barking outside. He opens his eyes for a few seconds and then suddenly realises that he has a very nasty hangover
Confessions of a University Student!From: Andy F
Sent: 08 June 2000 11:32
How bizzare - I wrote that script ages ago for a uni project. I posted it up on the DNA newsgroup to rattle a few cages, and it seemed to work. DNA read it and basically told me to "Go do something more important!"
Andy Flatt - Chief Tiger trainer