Posted to %afda by Kenny Hutchings on 12th April 1999
Teh [tie:poe] wrote:
> I learned I could survive on four hours of sleep pretty much
> indefinitely, but I _couldn't_ learn to like it [or even get used to
> it for that matter], I even learned I could go for a couple of days on
> 15 minutes sleep which contrary to popular belief is better than
> More importantly I learned how to fill cardboard targets with quite a
> few holes from a pretty respectable distance.
> I also learned how to sleep on busses but have since lost the knack.
Motti, shall I continue the story? Okay...
You were also trained to survive underwater for up to sixteen minutes with no fresh oxygen. Endless torture and extensive pain have built your tolerance up to a level at which most men would snap and reveal the plan to their captors. You, however, were forced to run up and down mountains without sleep or break, and only ever stopped on one particular run across Everest because you had taken fourteen gunshots from a sniper sat nearby hoping to nail an officer during training. You survived, and managed to remove the bullets yourself and patch yourself up in less than five minutes, after of course examining their entrance trajectories and mentally calculating the exact position of the offending sniper and aiming a grenade (which you had constructed from grinding down a few nearby plants to make a crude form of gunpowder and then compacting it inside a hastily constructed explosive chamber created from leaves) at him. After completing your first aid, you continued the run and completed the remaining week of continuous running to earn your rank.
Following this, you were posted to the North Pole, and given nothing more than a few rags to keep yourself warm. Although you had no previous training at this, you very quickly adapted to the conditions, and it wasn't long before you had managed to build a very sophisticated form of igloo. Using the rags, you signalled Russian forces to your location, and then using your Basic Russian learned in training to infiltrate the force and gain friends. You signed up for the Russian forces immediately, and served a four-year term with them before being discovered attempting to radio home. Once you were caught, you were subjected to endless interrogation and thrashing torment, and were injected with several chemicals in an attempt to distort the carefully guarded area of your memory. You showed remarkable resistance to these chemicals and were generally so convincing that the Russian forces decided that you were indeed Russian, and that you had nothing to hide. They discharged you and you were returned as a Russian citizen.
Using your more advanced knowledge of Russian, you began work in Moscow as a magazine salesman, and lived your life mostly on the streets, being careful to avoid further gunshot wounds. Very soon you were approached by the Mafia and they quickly learned of your finely honed skills and you were recruited within hours of your initial meeting. You were dispatched to the Western end of Russia and were ordered to search incoming goods to the country and select and keep anything that would be useful to the Mafia. You were widely regarded in the Russian mafia as an excellent, trustworthy comrade, and you were allowed to 'retire' early on an excellent financial package.
Not feeling ready to retire, you moved to Italy and brought Russian Mafia ways to Italy, and using the knowledge you already had, you quickly ascended to the top of the ladder of power in Italy. Four months later, you had full control over the Italian president, and you convinced him to launch an attack on Portugal. A full-scale war began between Italy and Portugal, and lasted for many months before you finally decided the bloodshed should end. You drafted in some of the many contacts you had gained in Russia and ordered them to cross into Portugese territory and eliminate crucial targets. They did exactly as they were told, and hours from that moment, Portugal gave an unconditional surrender. Despite the president's protests, you insisted that Portugal be left to the Portugese, and told him to send an official broadcast to Portugal stating that this was merely a 'show of strength'. Not wanting to have war crimes traced back to you, you quickly disappeared to China and again, using your Russian contacts, managed to get yourself a job as a chief adviser to the head of the Communist state.
You began to learn (through associates in Japan) about technology and its many applications in everyday life. You had great desire to move to Japan, but the Chinese authorities insisted that you remain in the country, so you negotiated and compromised by moving to Hong Kong. There you set up a very nice office in a quiet corner of the city, and set yourself up with a publishing outlet. You began to write of the struggles of the Communist Empire, doing something that no-one had dared do before and criticised the ideology behind it. You distributed your publications among the underground network and very soon gained great favour among the people. From your works, mass protest groups sprung from unheard of corners of China and began protesting in Red Square about the improprieties of the government. Several demonstrations were held with your writings held in great contempt by those in favour of the government. For a brief period in history, your controversial works split the country in two. Before the pressure really began, you gained false documents and a new identity and quickly got a flight to Japan.
Once in Japan, you began researching to find a niche market in the area. It quickly became apparent to you that Japans technologically advanced ways had put their entire economy at a distinct disadvantage. In order to alleviate this, you learned Japanese comprehensively (more intensively than you ever learned any language during training) and with the support of a few close friends you had made while in the city, you started your own political party. Thousands flocked to your 'original ideals' and that quickly became the slogan for the party. It was not long before your party came to power, and the cabinet you had chosen rescued the Japanese economy before it slid into recession. Feeling a sense of achievement, you instigated a re-election and had a carefully selected new leader chosen.
You then retreated to the UK and travelled across London, merely as a tourist, you understand. By the most unbelievable piece of luck, you happened upon a lunch meeting between the directors of the publishing company Faber & Faber. You told them of your exploits, and they listened attentively, and after you had completed your explanation, they insisted you publish your memoirs for all to read. On its first week of release, your memoirs topped the bestsellers list in twelve different countries. Interpreters were drafted to rewrite your memoirs for non-English speaking countries and of course, with your extensive knowledge of world languages, you edited the final editions yourself.
You, however felt that the feelings expressed in these publications were not reaching everybody so you formed your own band. Constructed from only the very best and most trusted friends you picked up along the way, you released a single, which unfortunately flopped. It was however, included on many compilation albums, and you did win awards for the moving portrayal of your personal struggle. A month later, Armand van Helden called your record company and insisted he be allowed to do a remix. Your record company figured they had nothing to lose, but insisted that you gain a thirty percent royalty. The record was remixed and a new (and much to your surprise, good) sound was created. The combination was so wild that the single reached number 1 and stayed there for seven weeks in the UK. When it was released in the US, several political action groups boycotted the record, and its popularity was only enhanced by this. It stayed at number 1 in the US charts for almost half a year before being dislodged by Elton John's tribute to Diana.
Your profits were so great that you sought advice and began to invest. You ploughed three-quarters of your profits into a software company called Microsoft, which although initially not being a very sound investment, later rocketed to the biggest company in the world. Your dividends were paid to you in lump sum as you requested and you sold of your ownership of the company at an unbelievable price. Figuring you had done everything else, you took the entire amount (cash) to Las Vegas and played on the tables for almost three months, until you had lost every last penny playing cards, roulette or slots. You learned to spot the very best tricksters in your time there, and began providing regular reports of the very latest cheats to the casino authorities, who in return provided you with a place to stay. Alas, all too soon you became tired of the glamorous lifestyle and decided it was time to move on. You boarded a bus with some money the casino authorities bid you a sad farewell with, and fell asleep, hoping it would take you to new dreams.
You arrived at an airport and took a ticket to the first plane available with the remaining cash you could scrape together and retreated to Israel, only to be seen by very few people who shared your life-long interest in a science fiction author known as Douglas Adams.
An update, posted to %afda by Arcum Dagsson on 13th November 1999
> > > you mean the way Meg always types "teh" instead of "the"?
> > So Teh isn't in Jacoob's head directly, but rather the Dust-Puppy-like
> > creation of Meg? She typed "Teh" too many times, and he appeared?
> well, she does give out lives, right?
> could it be that she also creates them?
It's quite simple. Meg has a box that she keeps all of her extra lives in. They also multiply in said box, being a relative of the hanger. Well, one fateful day, some carelessly typed "Teh"'s fell into the box, unnoticed by Meg. The "Teh"'s and lives intermingled, and pretty soon a completely new entity was formed. Now, this all happened back when Meg was giving out lifes frequently, and when Motti requested a life, she innocently e-mailed him a box o' life, never suspecting the fused lives and "Teh"'s hiding in it. Later, Motti opened the box, and quickly succummed to the forces within, merging into the Teh that we all know today...
Hope that straightens that out, then...